Archive for Jokes
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride
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A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole\’ biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
\”Yes?\” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, \”may I help you?\”
The ole biker leans over the bar, \”I was wondering young lady,\” he whispers, \”are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?\”
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs \”Why yes, yes, I sure am\”.
The ole\’ biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, \”Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger\”.
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride more...Internet jokes
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after some future breakthroughs in robotics, but before the price has gone down, there is likely to be robotic brothels
robot sex? that\’s scary.
I know, that\’s what I thought
but according to my calculations, a condom of normal thickness has a dielectric strength of at least 780V
meaning if the robot runs on mains and shorts out, you\’re still protected with a margin of nearly 500V
….. not what I meant.
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history books in a thousand years are going to be hilarious
According to the great 21st Century philosopher xXx_SePhIrOtH127765_xXx,
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Whats the problem officer?
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A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, \”What\’s the
problem officer?\”
Officer: \”You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.\”
Man: \”No sir, I was going 65.\”
Wife: \”Oh, Harry. You were going 80.\” (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: \”I\’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.\”
Man: \”Broken tail light? I didn\’t know about a broken tail light!\”
Wife: \”Oh Harry, you\’ve known about that tail light for weeks.\” (The
man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: \”I\’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt.\”
Man: \”Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.\”
Wife: \”Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt.\”
The man turns to his wife and yells, \”SHUT YOUR MOUTH!\”
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, \”Ma\’am, does your husband talk
to you this way all the time?\”
The wife says, \”No, only when he\’s drunk.\”
Whats the problem officer? more...In a small midwestern conservative town
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In a small midwestern conservative town, there wasn\’t a place to get a drink for miles around, so a local entrepreneur saw an opportunity: He started to build a tavern.
Liking a \”dry\” town, the local church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. The businessman was polite when congregants came to protest, but work continued on the tavern.
But the night before the grand opening, a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their piousness after that — until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building\’s demise in its reply to the court.
At the first hearing, the judge held up the paperwork and took in the lawyers and both sides of the lawsuit.
\”I don\’t know how I\’m going to decide this,\” the judge said, \”but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn\’t.\”
In a small midwestern conservative town more...More Monday jokes
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On one of his first nights in the White House, Dubya is awakened by the ghost of George Washington. Bush is frightened, but asks: \”George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?\” Washington advises him: \”Be honest above all else and set an honorable example, just as I did.\” This makes Bush uncomfortable, but he manages to get back to sleep.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. \”Tom,\” Dubya asks, \”what is the best thing I could do to help the country?\” Jefferson replies, \”Throw away your prepared remarks and speak eloquently and extemporaneously from your heart,\” Jefferson advises.
Bush isn\’t sleeping well at all the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It\’s Abraham Lincoln\’s ghost and Dubya thinks finally, a Republican, I\’ll get some advice that I can use. \”Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?\” Bush asks hopefully.
Abe answers: \”Go see a play.\”
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The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years.
\”Mr. Avery, don\’t leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you\’ll meet and be married in no time!\” says the Matchmaker.
\”Don\’t bother,\” replies Mr. Avery, \”I\’ve two sisters at home who look after all my needs.\”
\”That\’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.\”
\”I said \’two sisters\’. I didn\’t say they were mine.\”
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shlykshtus sexistiniai:
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Call her.
How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, let the b*tch cook in the dark.
What\’s the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
One\’s mad cow disease; the other\’s an agricultural problem.
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They\’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What\’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.
Why did the woman cross the road?
What\’s the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?!
Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
Because it doesn\’t need cleaning yet.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your d*ck.
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A Hindu, a Rabbi and a lawyer were out driving in the country late one night when their car broke down. Setting out on foot to find help, they came upon a farmhouse and explained their problem to the farmer. The farmer said they could spend the night but, since he only had two beds, one of them would have to sleep in the barn.
The Rabbi agreed to sleep in the barn and allow the other two to have the beds. Minutes after the Rabbi left for the barn, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi burst into the bedroom and exclaimed, \”I cannot sleep in the barn. There\’s a pig in there! It is against my religious beliefs to sleep in the same room as a pig.\”
The Hindu agreed that he would sleep in the barn, since he had no religious problems with pigs. A few minutes later, the Hindu came bursting into the bedroom and said, \”I cannot sleep in the barn. There is a cow in there! Sleeping in the same room as a cow is against my religious beliefs.\”
The lawyer, desperate to get some sleep, said he would sleep in the barn since he had no problem sleeping with animals.
Two minutes later, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow ran in…
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More Monday jokes more...Monday jokes
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Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to Confession. \”Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site.\”
Priest: What did you do with the lumber, my son?
Boudreaux: Well, Father, my porch, she\’s had a hole for a longtime. I\’m afraid someone will break dey leg, so I fix de hole.
Priest: Well, that\’s not so bad.
Boudreaux: Well, Father, I had a little lumber left.
Priest: What did you do with it?
Boudreaux: Well, my poor dog, Phideaux, he ain\’t never had no place to get outta de weather, so I made him a doghouse.
Priest: OK, anything else?
Boudreaux: Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So, you know, my truck, she ain\’t never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I made a two-car garage.
Priest: Now this is getting a little out of hand.
Boudreaux: Well, Father, I had a little lumber left.
Priest: Yes?
Boudreaux: Well, my wife, she always wanted a bigger house. So I added two bedrooms and a new bathroom.
Priest: OK, that\’s definitely too much. For your penance you are going to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena,
don\’t you?
Boudreaux: No, Father, but if you got the plans, I got the lumber.
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My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it\’s ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she should go to the store and get some \”Nair\” hair remover and rub in it\’s ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some \”Nair\” hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her \”If you\’re going to use this under your arms don\’t use deodorant for a few days.\”
The lady says \”I\’m not using it under my arms.\”
The druggist says \”If you\’re using it on your legs don\’t shave for a few days.\”
The lady says \”I\’m not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I\’m using it on my schnauzer.\”
The druggist says \”Stay off your bicycle for a week.\”
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As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.
Finally, she said, \”Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination.\” Joe, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, \”The captain is a woman?\”
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, \”Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?\”
\”Yes,\” said the attendant, \”in fact, this entire crew is female.\”
\”My God,\” said Joe, \”I\’d better have two scotch and sodas. I don\’t know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit.\”
\”That\’s another thing,\” said the attendant, \”we no longer call it the cockpit. Now it\’s the box office.\”
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Q. What should you do if you get an e-mail with the subject \”Nude pictures of Sarah Palin\”?
A. Whatever you do, don\’t open it! It could contain a computer virus!
Q. What should you do if you get an e-mail with the subject \”Nude pictures of Hillary Clinton\”?
A. Whatever you do, don\’t open it! It could contain nude pictures of Hillary Clinton!
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A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, \”You need to stop masturbating.\”
The guy replies, \”Why Doc? Am I going blind?\”
The doctor says, \”No, but you\’re upsetting the other patients in the waiting room.\”
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Monday jokes more...Plane talks
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Tower: \”Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o\’clock, 6 miles!\”
Delta 351: \”Give us another hint! We have digital watches!\”
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Tower:\”TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.\”
TWA 2341: \”Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?\”
Tower:\”Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?\”
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: \”I\’m f…ing bored!\”
Ground Traffic Control: \”Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!\”
Unknown aircraft: \”I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!\”
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O\’Hare Approach Control to a 747: \”United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o\’clock, three miles, Eastbound.\”
United 329: \”Approach, I\’ve always wanted to say this…I\’ve got the little Fokker in sight.\”
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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): \”Ground, what is our start clearance time?\”
Ground (in English): \”If you want an answer you must speak in English.\”
Lufthansa (in English): \”I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany Why must I speak English?\”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): \”Because you lost the bloody war!\”
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Tower:\”Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7\”
Eastern 702: \”Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.\”
Tower:\”Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. ! Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?\”
BR Continental 635: \”Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we\’ve already notified our caterers.\”
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one\’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: \”Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.\”
Ground: \”Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.\”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: \”Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?\”
Speedbird 206: \”Stand by, Ground, I\’m looking up our gate location now.\”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): \”Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?\”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): \”Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — And I didn\’t land.\”
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